Who Says

Coming home from my mission has been hard. And since this blog has become a journal of sorts for me, and since I don't even know if anyone reads it, I'm just going to open up to the world about why to hopefully make it all better. My mission was really hard. I tried to be the missionary that my Heavenly Father wanted me to be. And in the end, I feel like I was able to do that. But I was sick my entire mission. Not like sick with a cold sick, but sick-needing-surgery sick, then sick-needing-to-see-specialists sick. And through it all it was super hard to find companions who had compassion. These were girls who were giving up a year and a half to serve the Lord, they didn't want to be stuck inside with me. Heavens, I didn't want to be stuck inside with me. I wanted to be outside serving and loving the crap out of people and doing what I was called to do. But I physically just couldn't. And now, here I am, home eleven months after I left wondering what the heck happened. Why couldn't I have been a healthy missionary. Why couldn't I stay out for a full 18 months. Sometimes I wonder if I changed at all as a missionary. I know I worry my parents. I feel sick all the time and I am having a hard time being happy right now. They don't know what's going on, but then neither do I. I don't get why all of this stuff is going on in my life. I don't understand why this all has to be so hard. I tried to be a good missionary, to serve with all my heart and to be focused, but maybe it wasn't enough. I don't know. Then I hear songs like "Who Says" by Selena Gomez. Go ahead and laugh, but seriously, this song is becoming my theme song. It is what I'm all about, helping people realize that they don't have to meet up to what "the world" says is perfect. That there is something amazing in each of us that shines. I just wish that I could remember that all the time. I am having the hardest time remembering that lately, that I am going to get through this because I am worth it to my Heavenly Father. Things will work out eventually, right? Somehow, life will work out...

Wanting Something You Just Can't Have

Have you ever wanted something you couldn't have? I feel like I do that a lot lately. I look at cute married couples and their cute babies and think...gee, I want that. And I KNOW that right now I can't have that. My body isn't in a place where I should even think about getting married or having kids. I'm not healthy enough. I don't know what next week is going to hold health wise. I can't get attached right now even though I desperately want to. But it is other things too. Wanting to move out so I can have my own space again. Wanting my own computer again, wanting a car, wanting a better phone than the lovely, beat upon past it's prime phone I get to use. Why all the wanting. Why am I never satisfied with where I'm at or with what I get to be blessed with. I feel like I am always just looking forward and never enjoying the moment. And so, dear void who I write to faithfully, I want you to want to listen. I want you to care. I want you to be there for me. And yet, there you are, just a void. A void of cyberspace that devours my thoughts and waits for some bored soul to come and read them. Hopefully someone who is wanting too. Wanting a friend, wanting to learn something, to grow. Who knows, right?

Adventure of the Week: Kidney Infection

Yes, you can now all be jealous, I have a kidney infection. Although I caught this one earlier than I caught the last kidney infection I had (yes, boys and girls, I have had more than one this year) and so it's not as bad. Why, you may ask, do I consider these adventures? Because they break up the monotony of my day. No, seriously they do. Without all of these doctor's visits, all I'm doing is reading and babysitting my sisters who are currently off track. My mom went to the library for me on Monday cuz I felt too darn sick to go, and since then I've read five of the books that she brought home for me. I have a problem.

Tomorrow's Adventures, and they are a-many

So here's the menu for this weekend. Be jealous my fine feathered friends. And even if you don't have feathers, be jealous. Friday Morning: Head to the doctors office to (maybe) get some answers in this puzzle of health. Later Friday Morning: Go to P-town, as those of us who are gangsta lovingly call the good 'ol Provo, where I will...see a counselor, change my major, find out if I can get back into school in January, get my life all sorted out...and it goes on and on and on, yeah. Friday evening: Hang out with my good pal Lynette and play catch up. It has been far too long and we have far too much to talk about to list it all here. But let's just say that our friendship has been one awesome adventure and I am sure that Friday will be no less. Saturday: BYU FOOTBALL!!!! Why yes, I am an addict. Is that a problem? Should I be seeing a counselor? I don't think that there is a cure. But I could re-hash for you the 2006 John Beck-Johnny Harline catch of epicality that changed the lives of hundreds of Cougar Football fans forever. Yes, yes I could. Or would you rather talk about the Miracle Bowl... I'm a freak. Then my friend Alex who I haven't seen in AGES is coming to my house and spending the night before she heads back to BYU-I. Oh, how I love adventures. Oh so much!

Today's Adventure: NOT needing surgery

That's right folks. I flew home thinking I would need surgery and found out that I won't. That's my adventure for today. Hooray!

Just as Difficult...

You know, I never imagined coming home for surgery...I didn't. And then, when I did realize that I would have to leave my mission and have to have one of my internal organs not-so-lovingly separated from me...i thought, okay, this is just another step on my journey of my mission. It's been a bumpy road...there's no denying that fact. But somehow I've made it through. And here I am...less than 48 hours away from leaving home once more...and I'm still as scared as I was the first time. Honestly, I have no idea why. My good friend Lynette tells me that I don't need to be scared because I'm just so awesome. I guess that's part of what scares me...what if I'm not awesome enough? What if I don't measure up? What if I am still not the missionary that my mission president and his wife want me to be. I mean, I am the missionary I want me to be...but is that good enough for everyone? I've got about ten months left. Can I be the missionary that the Lord wants...that He needs?

This is why it is so hard.

And Seven Months Later

So, this blog didn't become an epic log of my adventures. What can I say...I thought I'd taught my mom how to do it, but it didn't happen. Sorry! But, I am home once again. I'm here for surgery. My gall bladder decided that it was done being part of my body. So it is no longer with us. Thank goodness. Anyway, the last seven months have been quite the adventure for me. Yes, it was a mission and I learned a lot. And we'll talk about that later. But I discovered that I don't like being sick...at all. Six months if illness isn't my thing. And I'm still trying to figure out why or what I can learn from it. So if you have any ideas, please let me know.

Pleurisy

I have pleurisy. This means the lining of my chest and lungs is inflamed. And in pain. Yup, I go in to the MTC on Wednesday. And I visited the ER on Monday. It's been quite the week for me. Keep sending up those prayers!

In other news...yeah, I got nothing. I have a cold. It hurts. I try not to whine. the end.

Soon, this blog will be a weekly log of my mission adventures, are you as excited as I am? because you should be!!!!

Three Weeks

I enter the MTC three weeks from today. Am I panicked? Yes. Oh yes you bet I am. I don't know if I am going to get everything done in time. I am worried that I am not going to be good enough. That I won't be the kind of missionary that the Lord needs. I am trying to put it in His hands. But it is hard. So please pray for me. Thanks.

Thank You Cougars

I am sitting here watching my cougars play like the team they were last season. Thank you Cougars.