Pleurisy

I have pleurisy. This means the lining of my chest and lungs is inflamed. And in pain. Yup, I go in to the MTC on Wednesday. And I visited the ER on Monday. It's been quite the week for me. Keep sending up those prayers!

In other news...yeah, I got nothing. I have a cold. It hurts. I try not to whine. the end.

Soon, this blog will be a weekly log of my mission adventures, are you as excited as I am? because you should be!!!!

Three Weeks

I enter the MTC three weeks from today. Am I panicked? Yes. Oh yes you bet I am. I don't know if I am going to get everything done in time. I am worried that I am not going to be good enough. That I won't be the kind of missionary that the Lord needs. I am trying to put it in His hands. But it is hard. So please pray for me. Thanks.

Thank You Cougars

I am sitting here watching my cougars play like the team they were last season. Thank you Cougars.

Tuesdays with Morrie

Last Saturday, I went and saw the most amazing play I've EVER seen, sorry Willden. BYU put on a beautiful show called Tuesdays with Morrie and I was blown away. It is a story about life and death, living and loving, mostly taking the time to learn. To listen. To experience life and not just let it pass you by. I've been thinking about this post for a while now because I wanted to get it just right. I wanted to make sure that I said what I waned to say.

Never in my life have I felt so moved by a piece of art. I cried through the entire thing. You know from the beginning that Morrie is going to die. What you don't know is that he is not only going to teach Mitch how to be a better person, but he is going to teach you too.

I am going to take advantage of every moment. To be silly sometimes. To be serious sometimes. To love with my whole heart. To never give up on myself. To let the people around me know that I care. To help others know who I am and what I know to be true. I want to be like Morrie. I want to be able to face my last days on this earth knowing that I lived a good life, that I was a good person and that I left my mark on the world. I want to be able to face my Father in Heaven knowing that I did the things I needed to do, that I was the daughter that he needed me to be.

So, thank you BYU, for giving me Tuesdays with Morrie so that my life could be changed.

Pain

Pain comes in all shapes and sizes. It can be physical. It can be emotional. But it always hurts. Tonight I am hurting. I have a migraine the size of Canada pushing in on my brain. Why? Because I had an emotional breakdown today. I stopped holding in all of the pain and just let it out. Pain over having to leave my job. Pain over not going to school this semester. Pain over losing one of the best friends I have ever had. Pain over being slowly let go by another. Pain over having two months before I am leaving my family for 18 months. Pain over the cyst that is currently causing me colossal pain in my side. Pain because I haven't just cried a little bit as each of these things has happened. Pain from stupid-face Satan and his need to pick on me every single moment of every single day since I opened that big white envelope. So I cried. Buckets and buckets of tears. Then I went to the temple and cried because of the peace I felt. Then I came home and had a phone call that set me off crying again. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of feeling like someone else's emotional and physical punching bag. It is really getting old.

Woulda Shoulda Coulda

I lied. I should have checked facebook first. I want to pretend like life is fine, but it's not. I'm losing one of my best friends. It sucks. Things are never going to be the same. And I can't do ANYTHING to fix this one. Normally I can go and apologize or bring cookies or do SOMETHING but this time, I can't make it better. I can't come in and make things work out the way I want. I just want to fix it and make everyone happy but I can't. It's just not possible this time. So, sorry if I'm a little out of it lately...

A Walk in the Grass

I just walked in the grass. In Summertime. At night. Somehow, everything is going to come out all right.

Pain

Dear Back,

Please stop being in pain. When you are, everything else in life suddenly gets harder. I don't want to move. I want to just crawl into bed and wait it out. But, alas, I can't. Life goes on. And, eventually, you'll stop hurting.

Love,

Princess Megan

Not so romantic

Tonight I sat outside...looking at the stars. Eating frozen yogurt. Straight out of the carton. Alone. I know what you were thinking...Awww, how romantic! Then you read I was alone. That's how I felt too. Lately my life has been a series of moments that would be incredibly cute...if they were shared by a couple instead of just by me. And no one else. Welcome to how I got to be 21 and have never held a boy's hand.

I discovered tonight, though, that I don't mind it as much anymore. I wouldn't have been eating straight out of the carton if I had been with a boy. Heavens, I wouldn't have been eating frozen yogurt period.

If I had a boyfriend I wouldn't be going to bed by eleven each night...I would probably be out doing something with him instead. I rather enjoy going to bed early...it makes me happy instead of cranky which I know everyone around me enjoys.

If I had a boyfriend I may not have put in my mission papers. I would be attending BYU in the fall which, oddly enough, would have extended my graduation by at least a semester.

If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't have as much fun at wedding receptions. I wouldn't be able to sit and talk with my close girlfriends. And, who knows, I may not be as close with some of my guy friends.

So, at this point in my life, I'm okay with not having a boy. I took the time and found the positive. I should try that more often... ;)

Full

I'm so full of emotions right now I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going on a mission. I really truly am going on a mission!!

I'm a bundle full of
Joy
Anticipation
Nerves
Fear (a little bit...this is a new experience for me)
Jitters
Emotions
Testimony
Faith
Excitement


And some starbursts. They're inside me too. And that banana I ate for breakfast...

I'm going to the Washington DC South Mission.

I report to the MTC on November 3

I'll be speaking English (insert eternal gratitude here)

Hard to Stay Mad

I've learned a few important lessons this week.

I can't talk sense into people who are already set in their ways. Even though in this case I am in the right and am backed by MANY people who agree with me (and probably some scientific research as well) I can't change how other people think. I can't make them like me. I can't make them understand that I am a kind and loving person who doesn't want to harm them or cause emotional damage.

I can't stay mad. It's impossible. I was mad for like, a day, after I got in a huge argument with a friend. It was MONUMENTAL people. The results of this fight are going to change my friendship with more than one person, but today, I can't be mad anymore. All I feel is relief that this person FINALLY knows how I feel and that I got to air my frustrations. It isn't my problem if they don't understand me. I can't change their behavior, I certainly am not going to change mine to fit their idea of what I should be doing, and so we are probably going to go our separate ways. But, even if I never see these friends again, I know that I have forgiven.

I can't not forgive this girl. Yes, her idea of the kind of person I am hurts me deeply, but she is coming from a different place than I am. She can't see me for who I am, and as a result, she can't let go. She wants me to change. I don't want to. So we are at odds.

I drove to the temple that night and cried. Cried for the girl who is losing one of her best friends. Cried for not being able to work this out. Cried because I knew that I wouldn't be the same person after all of this came crashing down. Now, two days later, the tears are gone. I feel a little empty, but I also know that my prayers are being answered. I am feeling that peace I long for, and even though I want to hate this girl who has caused my pain, I can't. I just feel bad for her. So, I give my deepest thanks to my Savior who Atoned so that he could understand the pain that I am feeling and take it away from me. He Atoned so that I WOULDN'T NEED TO CARRY AROUND THIS PAIN. Instead I can just turn to Him and ask Him to help me bear it and strengthen me to meet this trial.

Deepest apologies if this post isn't understandable and is quite vague.

Not worried.

Did you know I'm not worried about where I go on my mission? In fact, the only reason I'm anxious about getting that fancy white envelope in the mail is because I know that it is going to tell me when I am leaving...not where, but when. My life is in flux at the moment and I just want to know what I am supposed to do with myself for the next four months. That's it. :)

Brownies and Confessions

I made brownies for a work meeting yesterday, and I ended up lovingly enjoying most of them because no one else would. Did you know that I have this odd need where I want people to like the things that I make? Whether it is baked goods or a hoodie, I want people to see what I did and tell me that it is the best thing that they've ever seen. Is that prideful? Is that awful? I have a hard time knowing what to think. I can't share my other talents with the world...most people don't see who I really am. They don't know that I love to sing but that I restrict myself to shower-time and driving-alone-time to have my solo performances. I get scared to put myself out there because I know so many people who are so much more talented than I and I don't want them to think I'm a doofus for not being as amazing as they are.

Did you know I love to dance? Yes, this not-so-skinny girl loves dancing, and once I make it to the other side, I'm going to dance like you wouldn't believe. My soul longs to dance even though my body can't take it.

Did you know that I love to tell stupid jokes? That I think I am absolutely hilarious? My boss thinks I'm funny too...but I don't know that anyone else sees it.

Did you know that I love to read? That one of my favorite things to do is to listen to the rain, curl up with a blankie and a good book and just read for hours?

Did you know that I sometimes wish that I could just be me?

In!

My papers are in. I'm officially going to be a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Do you even know how EXCITED I am!?!?!?!?!?!

Sunshine and Sleep

I learned a very important lesson yesterday. Okay, a couple of very important lessons.

1. Zupas is the best place to eat lunch and catch up with friends. Period. Especially when you eat lunch outside in the sunshine so you can yell slightly inappropriate words and no one will look at you like you're a weirdy...

2. Eating lunch while sitting in the sun = AMAZING!

3. Eating lunch with an Amazing friend = The best thing I could have done.

4. Taking a shower washes all your troubles away.

5. getting a good night's sleep = life changing.


Seriously, the difference in my emotional state from yesterday to today is night and day. I'm ten million times happier. I don't feel like I'm on the verge of tears brought on by sheer exhaustion. I can face the world. I look super cute because I wanted to. AND...drumroll please...I'm not yawning every ten seconds. It's fantastic.

Also, it helps that my dad gave me some cookies and cream ice cream last night. Thanks dad!

Don't worry, I'm just crazy. No biggie.

Sometimes I wish that when it rained, I could just go outside, stand in the rain and cry. Then no one would know I had been crying, and I could get all of my psycho emotions out while no one is watching. Instead, my tears decide to wait and come at weird moments like at 8:15 this morning. I'm not sleeping well. Maybe not even at all, I don't know. What I do know is that when I don't sleep I get cranky. I cry over EVERYTHING. I'm not joking about this one. I am a psychopath when I don't sleep.

Today my alarm went off at 4:30 in the morning. Only, my clock said that it was five thirty so I kept snoozing it telling my self that I would get up in a little bit to get ready for work. Then I looked at my phone and realized that it was 4:30, and that when I set my alarm last night I must have bumped the hour on the clock and not realized it. I couldn't fall back alseep for ages. Then I did and didn't get up early enough to shower. So today I am a disgusting mess. I'm overly emotional. I want to find a large piece of cheesecake and drown my sorrows in it. And really, my sorrows aren't that big. I'm lonely sometimes. Big deal. I miss one of my closest friends who I may not see for another two years unless by some miracle my mission departure date is after he gets home from his. I wanted it to rain harder than it did last night so I could play in the rain longer. I wanted to watch more lightning. Stupid things, right? Little things that shouldn't cause such a breakdown. The rational part of me knows that. But I am currently living in sixteen-year-old land where EVERYTHING is something to obsess over.

One of these days I'll get a nap and the world will be right again. That, or I'll explode.

Either way, I want this psycho-ness to end. I love being silly and giggling on the couch with my mom. I love pulling practical jokes, teaching my sisters the important things in life like how to pants each other and how to give great wet-willies. I love pretending like I'm the world's best singer or the world's best dancer and just letting it all out. I love talking about spiritual things, or giving the home evening lesson and having my six year old sister say that she felt the spirit. I love stretching when I first wake up in the morning and feeling like the world is all fresh and ready to start the day like I am. Hopefully tomorrow I can feel all of those things again and none of the icky sad things I'm feeling today.

Summer Rain

It rained yesterday. Not just any rain...summer rain.

Summer rain is my favorite. It's the kind of rain you can play in...run around in and jump in puddles. Yes, I'm 21. Yes, I still play in the rain. I love the smell of summer rain. It is just fantastic. I also love driving in the rain in summertime. Weird, right? I roll my window down just a bit so I can get rain on my left arm, and I enjoy watching raindrops as they hit my windshield. It's my favorite. :)

Papers

My papers have made their visit to the Bishop. On August 4 they will go visit the Stake President, then make their way to Salt Lake to see whomever checks them out up there. My papers are really getting around! ;) Hopefully I'll know where I'm going and when by the end of August. :) I'm just a little excited.

A good stretch

I love a good stretch. Not like stretching before dancing, which also feels fantastic, but when your body is totally relaxed because you're so tired. I love to stretch my arms as far as they will go when I first wake up. Or when I'm sitting at work and am still in wake up mode. There is something about stretching that makes me feel alive. So, try it. Just stretch out everything. Seriously, you can't help but feel better after that.

Laughing

Have you ever laughed so hard your abs hurt, you cried, you couldn't breathe and you just couldn't stop laughing? I love those moments. They can change your day from bad to good in an instant. When there are two of you laughing that hard, it is impossible to stop the giggles. Funny things just seem to keep happening. And then, for the rest of the day, you can't be serious. Those are my favorite kinds of days.

Barefeet

I hate shoes. Seriously. If I could, I would spend the entire summer without shoes on. I hate that they make your feet smell weird.

But at the same time, I love shoes. Cute shoes. Shoes that make my legs look like a million bucks. Or really comfortable flip flops that seem to call my name each morning as I force my feeties into my workin' heels.

I've decided that the bestest feeling in the entire world is walking through the grass barefoot on a summer night. You, once the sun has gone down and the grass is cold but the rest of the world is still toasty warm? And you can lie in the grass and try to count the stars? Oh how I love it. And one day, when I don't have to send myself to bed at 10:30 because I've got to be up and ready to face the world again at 6 am, I'll stay outside super late just to walk around barefoot in the grass. September here I come!

Quit being a baby!

I hate days like today where I just want the world to pity me. To stop and take notice of the super bad mood that I am in and realize that, obviously, none of it is my fault.

Today I'm cranky. I want to take a nap and wake up full of sunshine and joy. Or eat enough chocolate to stop starvation in some small African nation. No, I'm not PMS-ing. That would be easier to deal with.

While I'm dealing with a lot and I've got a lot on my plate, that doesn't give me the right to complain. I've got a job. I've got an awesome family and some super cool friends. So why am I in this funk?

It started out on Thursday. I stayed up until 1 in the morning with some of my aforementioned cool friends. Normally I go to bed at 10...thus, I was super sleep deprived on Friday...which was hilarious until about 3:30...then I crashed. Later that night I fell apart. Serious. Ask my family, it wasn't pretty.

Saturday should have been fine but, once again, I fell apart. And I couldn't fall asleep. Then Sunday rolled around and while I got to sleep in I didn't get to enjoy it. Then I stayed up just a bit too late, which turned into not being able to FALL asleep.

So here I am today. Trying to adjust to two new prescriptions, one of which is working okay, the other I just started so I'm not sure what's going to happen there. I'm trying to recover from the weekend, which shouldn't be how things should go, right?

So I'm trying to be cheerful, to not hate my hairdo that didn't work and my choice to wear my glasses instead of my contacts. I'm hoping that my new medicine will help me not get zits anymore...I'm almost 21 for goodness sake! Mostly I'm hoping that I can make it through this week and enjoy a better weekend next time around. Also that everything works out the way it should. And that we can hire some great people at work. And that I can try ONCE AGAIN to get my papers turned in. And that someone will just want to give me a hug and make sure that things are okay. I'm full of hopes and a couple of really big dreams that I don't know how to accomplish. Alright, time to smile again, stuff this all back down, and get on with life.

Explode

Some days I just want to explode. I can't do everything. I try, I really do, but I can't do everything. So leave me alone! Do your own projects! Look it up yourself! AAARRGH!

Work is crazy. I love my job, I love the people I work with, and I love helping them. But sometimes I wonder if I am too nice. I have things I have to do too...I'm not just sitting at my desk twiddling my thumbs hoping you'll throw a project at me. Right now especially...we're trying to hire new people, so not only did I get to go through and sort all of their resumes, but I am trying to put together training and certification for them, start a new way for the office to be organized...the list goes on and on. I just can't do it today.

My bad mood started last night. In the middle of a dance on SYTYCD, Fox stopped broadcasting to my house. So I don't know how it ended...I don't know if there were mind blowing dances...and I've been cranky ever since. So, thank you Fox for killing my good mood.

On a happier note, I look super cute today. And if my brain does explode, there's only one more day before the weekend. I can make it, right?

Band-aids, dry cereal, hot pink nail polish, and B-bangs!

Today I want to share the thoughts that have been going through my head all morning. Here it is:

Band-aids: Have you ever noticed that there are parts of a person where a band-aid is just...weird? Yesterday I was given a rather large hole in the back of my hand by a drawer at work. I have no idea how it happened, I just felt something rather painful and looked down to see that my hand was bleeding. After much searching, I finally found a band-aid. Since then I've been marveling over just how weird it feels to have a band-aid almost right under your knuckles. Seriously, try it. It's kinda funny watching how wrinkly it can get. Do you ever stop and realize just how much you use a part of your body once you've injured it? I was putting on my backpack today and realizing just how painful it can be to a tiny injury on the back of your hand.

Dry cereal: Usually, I eat dry cereal in a baggy for breakfast. One, because I leave my house between six fifteen and six thirty every weekday morning and am barely able to walk, let alone eat breakfast. As a result, dry cereal is my next favorite option because I can make it last all morning while sitting at my desk at work. Today it's some knock-off brand of cinnamon toast crunch. Yesterday it was frosted mini wheats. I like to mix things up. ;)

Hot pink nail polish: My dear friend Karissa convinced me on Saturday to paint my nails. I almost never do, but I decided it would be fun, so I did. Now I keep getting distracted by the electric color of my fingernails. They keep distracting me from band-aid contemplation and that just won't do. I hope they weren't too distracting during my Relief Society lesson on the Atonement on Sunday...I should have thought of that before I painted them I guess...so, the moral of this story? Think before you paint, my friends. Think before you paint.

And finally...B-bangs: Thank you Chad Dylan Cooper for giving my dear friend Lynette and I a new catch phrase. And Billy, for sporting your B-bangs last Wednesday on SYTYCD. Also, thanks to the wonderful employees at Lagoon for making Lynette and I show off our hand stamps...they inspired a physical action to go along with our catch phrase. And thank you, 2 am for reminding me what college is really about--being so ridiculously tired that B-bangs is one million times funnier than it would be at 2 pm.

That's it. Maybe tomorrow my thoughts will be more intelligent.

For Corinne

Okay, Corinne, you motivated me. I'm going to post something about me that doesn't sound whiny, because I'm really not a whiner...it just seems like that.

I'm working on my mission papers. In fact, I'm almost done. I've got, like, two things to do and they'll be in. Then I don't know what comes next. I know that there are all kinds of interviews, but I don't know what they are or when I'll have to do them. All I know is that I am way excited to go and serve a mission. And I won't be taking classes in the fall. I know that too.

That's it for today, now on to being productive and finishing all my projects at work!!

Smiles

I've been contemplating this quite a lot lately...but have you ever noticed that when someone smiles at you, you can't help but smile back? And that sometimes, one smile can change your day? I love smiles. I love smiling at people and seeing if I can get them to cheer up. Also, I love taking note of when someone else's smile changes my day.

UGH

Today's word of the day is ugh. I hurt. This is not unusual, as lately my back has decided to secede from the union and is currently waging war on the rest of me. Or, in other words, it's freaking out and I don't know what to do. So I generally pretend that it doesn't exist. Today this is not working. It is if three or four other parts of my body are joining my back and recreating the Civil War as I sit at my desk at work and pretend that I look super cute. So, dear world, I am in pain. I want to cry. Actually, I want to go back to bed and see if a couple more hours of sleep will help my body calm down and do what it is supposed to. But none of those things are options. So I will be brave. But please pray that I'll feel better soon. I can use all the help I can get.

Confession...

I have a secret to confess. Sometimes I think that life is not fair. Really, really, really unfair. I think of all the dreams I had when I was little and how those dreams are never going to be realized. And then I stop and think of all of the new dreams I have now...and how I am MAKING those dreams happen. I am doing what I can to reach my dreams, and then I let God come in and make up the difference. I have been realizing more and more that our Savior's role as the Savior and Redeemer of mankind involves so much more than just his ability to forgive us of our sins. He is our Best Friend. He is there to comfort us in times of pain, of sorrow, of frustration, whatever it may be. He is there to celebrate with us when things go well. If you don't believe me, check out Alma 7:11-13. Isn't it nice to know that even when there is no one else you can turn to here, that you can turn to Him? That he is always ready to listen to your troubles and comfort you when you need comfort? I don't know if I could ask for a better Best Friend.

Bottled Up

Dear World...

There are a lot of emotions inside of me. They are all bottled up. Mostly because I don't have someone to share them with. Also because, and this is true, the people I do have that I could talk with don't want to hear some of the things I need to get out. So, if I suddenly explode in a mass of mangled up emotions, please bear with me. I'm working on it. I'm working through it. I'm smiling and finding joy. But there still is that part of me that longs to just spill my guts to someone who wants to listen to what I have to say.

Why is it so hard for us as human beings to listen to one another. To REALLY listen to what people are saying. To try to understand where they are coming from and what they are trying to get across. So often we hear only words and don't listen for the emotion attached to them. Or we chose to focus only on ourselves and not on others. My goal is to truly listen. To be the kind of person that you could talk to, the kind of person whose shoulder you can cry on. I can't give advice...I can't. But I can listen, sympathize, and then tell you a joke and make you laugh.

Have you ever noticed that laughing can make anything better. Oh, not all the way better, mind you, but it can take a hard day or a difficult situation and make it bearable. It can help you notice your blessings instead of your trials. So please, don't forget to laugh.

See...I told you I've been keeping things bottled up...

Home

I went home this weekend. I don't know if you know this about me, but I love going home. Don't get me wrong, P-town is great and I love my roommates. They are the best I've ever had. But...there is just something fantastic about going home. At home, I get reminded all day every day that I am loved. I get to cuddle with the cutest six year old in the entire world. I get to sit next to my mom and watch tv, knowing that whatever we do together, it is better than doing it apart. Some of you may not agree with me. Maybe your home is not as fantastic as mine is, and if not, I'm sorry. But I truly do love my home and everyone in it, and am so grateful that they love me back. So, thank goodness for three day weekends and being able to go home.