Who Says

Coming home from my mission has been hard. And since this blog has become a journal of sorts for me, and since I don't even know if anyone reads it, I'm just going to open up to the world about why to hopefully make it all better. My mission was really hard. I tried to be the missionary that my Heavenly Father wanted me to be. And in the end, I feel like I was able to do that. But I was sick my entire mission. Not like sick with a cold sick, but sick-needing-surgery sick, then sick-needing-to-see-specialists sick. And through it all it was super hard to find companions who had compassion. These were girls who were giving up a year and a half to serve the Lord, they didn't want to be stuck inside with me. Heavens, I didn't want to be stuck inside with me. I wanted to be outside serving and loving the crap out of people and doing what I was called to do. But I physically just couldn't. And now, here I am, home eleven months after I left wondering what the heck happened. Why couldn't I have been a healthy missionary. Why couldn't I stay out for a full 18 months. Sometimes I wonder if I changed at all as a missionary. I know I worry my parents. I feel sick all the time and I am having a hard time being happy right now. They don't know what's going on, but then neither do I. I don't get why all of this stuff is going on in my life. I don't understand why this all has to be so hard. I tried to be a good missionary, to serve with all my heart and to be focused, but maybe it wasn't enough. I don't know. Then I hear songs like "Who Says" by Selena Gomez. Go ahead and laugh, but seriously, this song is becoming my theme song. It is what I'm all about, helping people realize that they don't have to meet up to what "the world" says is perfect. That there is something amazing in each of us that shines. I just wish that I could remember that all the time. I am having the hardest time remembering that lately, that I am going to get through this because I am worth it to my Heavenly Father. Things will work out eventually, right? Somehow, life will work out...