Pain

Pain comes in all shapes and sizes. It can be physical. It can be emotional. But it always hurts. Tonight I am hurting. I have a migraine the size of Canada pushing in on my brain. Why? Because I had an emotional breakdown today. I stopped holding in all of the pain and just let it out. Pain over having to leave my job. Pain over not going to school this semester. Pain over losing one of the best friends I have ever had. Pain over being slowly let go by another. Pain over having two months before I am leaving my family for 18 months. Pain over the cyst that is currently causing me colossal pain in my side. Pain because I haven't just cried a little bit as each of these things has happened. Pain from stupid-face Satan and his need to pick on me every single moment of every single day since I opened that big white envelope. So I cried. Buckets and buckets of tears. Then I went to the temple and cried because of the peace I felt. Then I came home and had a phone call that set me off crying again. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of feeling like someone else's emotional and physical punching bag. It is really getting old.

Woulda Shoulda Coulda

I lied. I should have checked facebook first. I want to pretend like life is fine, but it's not. I'm losing one of my best friends. It sucks. Things are never going to be the same. And I can't do ANYTHING to fix this one. Normally I can go and apologize or bring cookies or do SOMETHING but this time, I can't make it better. I can't come in and make things work out the way I want. I just want to fix it and make everyone happy but I can't. It's just not possible this time. So, sorry if I'm a little out of it lately...

A Walk in the Grass

I just walked in the grass. In Summertime. At night. Somehow, everything is going to come out all right.

Pain

Dear Back,

Please stop being in pain. When you are, everything else in life suddenly gets harder. I don't want to move. I want to just crawl into bed and wait it out. But, alas, I can't. Life goes on. And, eventually, you'll stop hurting.

Love,

Princess Megan

Not so romantic

Tonight I sat outside...looking at the stars. Eating frozen yogurt. Straight out of the carton. Alone. I know what you were thinking...Awww, how romantic! Then you read I was alone. That's how I felt too. Lately my life has been a series of moments that would be incredibly cute...if they were shared by a couple instead of just by me. And no one else. Welcome to how I got to be 21 and have never held a boy's hand.

I discovered tonight, though, that I don't mind it as much anymore. I wouldn't have been eating straight out of the carton if I had been with a boy. Heavens, I wouldn't have been eating frozen yogurt period.

If I had a boyfriend I wouldn't be going to bed by eleven each night...I would probably be out doing something with him instead. I rather enjoy going to bed early...it makes me happy instead of cranky which I know everyone around me enjoys.

If I had a boyfriend I may not have put in my mission papers. I would be attending BYU in the fall which, oddly enough, would have extended my graduation by at least a semester.

If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't have as much fun at wedding receptions. I wouldn't be able to sit and talk with my close girlfriends. And, who knows, I may not be as close with some of my guy friends.

So, at this point in my life, I'm okay with not having a boy. I took the time and found the positive. I should try that more often... ;)

Full

I'm so full of emotions right now I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going on a mission. I really truly am going on a mission!!

I'm a bundle full of
Joy
Anticipation
Nerves
Fear (a little bit...this is a new experience for me)
Jitters
Emotions
Testimony
Faith
Excitement


And some starbursts. They're inside me too. And that banana I ate for breakfast...

I'm going to the Washington DC South Mission.

I report to the MTC on November 3

I'll be speaking English (insert eternal gratitude here)

Hard to Stay Mad

I've learned a few important lessons this week.

I can't talk sense into people who are already set in their ways. Even though in this case I am in the right and am backed by MANY people who agree with me (and probably some scientific research as well) I can't change how other people think. I can't make them like me. I can't make them understand that I am a kind and loving person who doesn't want to harm them or cause emotional damage.

I can't stay mad. It's impossible. I was mad for like, a day, after I got in a huge argument with a friend. It was MONUMENTAL people. The results of this fight are going to change my friendship with more than one person, but today, I can't be mad anymore. All I feel is relief that this person FINALLY knows how I feel and that I got to air my frustrations. It isn't my problem if they don't understand me. I can't change their behavior, I certainly am not going to change mine to fit their idea of what I should be doing, and so we are probably going to go our separate ways. But, even if I never see these friends again, I know that I have forgiven.

I can't not forgive this girl. Yes, her idea of the kind of person I am hurts me deeply, but she is coming from a different place than I am. She can't see me for who I am, and as a result, she can't let go. She wants me to change. I don't want to. So we are at odds.

I drove to the temple that night and cried. Cried for the girl who is losing one of her best friends. Cried for not being able to work this out. Cried because I knew that I wouldn't be the same person after all of this came crashing down. Now, two days later, the tears are gone. I feel a little empty, but I also know that my prayers are being answered. I am feeling that peace I long for, and even though I want to hate this girl who has caused my pain, I can't. I just feel bad for her. So, I give my deepest thanks to my Savior who Atoned so that he could understand the pain that I am feeling and take it away from me. He Atoned so that I WOULDN'T NEED TO CARRY AROUND THIS PAIN. Instead I can just turn to Him and ask Him to help me bear it and strengthen me to meet this trial.

Deepest apologies if this post isn't understandable and is quite vague.

Not worried.

Did you know I'm not worried about where I go on my mission? In fact, the only reason I'm anxious about getting that fancy white envelope in the mail is because I know that it is going to tell me when I am leaving...not where, but when. My life is in flux at the moment and I just want to know what I am supposed to do with myself for the next four months. That's it. :)

Brownies and Confessions

I made brownies for a work meeting yesterday, and I ended up lovingly enjoying most of them because no one else would. Did you know that I have this odd need where I want people to like the things that I make? Whether it is baked goods or a hoodie, I want people to see what I did and tell me that it is the best thing that they've ever seen. Is that prideful? Is that awful? I have a hard time knowing what to think. I can't share my other talents with the world...most people don't see who I really am. They don't know that I love to sing but that I restrict myself to shower-time and driving-alone-time to have my solo performances. I get scared to put myself out there because I know so many people who are so much more talented than I and I don't want them to think I'm a doofus for not being as amazing as they are.

Did you know I love to dance? Yes, this not-so-skinny girl loves dancing, and once I make it to the other side, I'm going to dance like you wouldn't believe. My soul longs to dance even though my body can't take it.

Did you know that I love to tell stupid jokes? That I think I am absolutely hilarious? My boss thinks I'm funny too...but I don't know that anyone else sees it.

Did you know that I love to read? That one of my favorite things to do is to listen to the rain, curl up with a blankie and a good book and just read for hours?

Did you know that I sometimes wish that I could just be me?

In!

My papers are in. I'm officially going to be a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Do you even know how EXCITED I am!?!?!?!?!?!