Hard to Stay Mad

I've learned a few important lessons this week.

I can't talk sense into people who are already set in their ways. Even though in this case I am in the right and am backed by MANY people who agree with me (and probably some scientific research as well) I can't change how other people think. I can't make them like me. I can't make them understand that I am a kind and loving person who doesn't want to harm them or cause emotional damage.

I can't stay mad. It's impossible. I was mad for like, a day, after I got in a huge argument with a friend. It was MONUMENTAL people. The results of this fight are going to change my friendship with more than one person, but today, I can't be mad anymore. All I feel is relief that this person FINALLY knows how I feel and that I got to air my frustrations. It isn't my problem if they don't understand me. I can't change their behavior, I certainly am not going to change mine to fit their idea of what I should be doing, and so we are probably going to go our separate ways. But, even if I never see these friends again, I know that I have forgiven.

I can't not forgive this girl. Yes, her idea of the kind of person I am hurts me deeply, but she is coming from a different place than I am. She can't see me for who I am, and as a result, she can't let go. She wants me to change. I don't want to. So we are at odds.

I drove to the temple that night and cried. Cried for the girl who is losing one of her best friends. Cried for not being able to work this out. Cried because I knew that I wouldn't be the same person after all of this came crashing down. Now, two days later, the tears are gone. I feel a little empty, but I also know that my prayers are being answered. I am feeling that peace I long for, and even though I want to hate this girl who has caused my pain, I can't. I just feel bad for her. So, I give my deepest thanks to my Savior who Atoned so that he could understand the pain that I am feeling and take it away from me. He Atoned so that I WOULDN'T NEED TO CARRY AROUND THIS PAIN. Instead I can just turn to Him and ask Him to help me bear it and strengthen me to meet this trial.

Deepest apologies if this post isn't understandable and is quite vague.

Not worried.

Did you know I'm not worried about where I go on my mission? In fact, the only reason I'm anxious about getting that fancy white envelope in the mail is because I know that it is going to tell me when I am leaving...not where, but when. My life is in flux at the moment and I just want to know what I am supposed to do with myself for the next four months. That's it. :)

Brownies and Confessions

I made brownies for a work meeting yesterday, and I ended up lovingly enjoying most of them because no one else would. Did you know that I have this odd need where I want people to like the things that I make? Whether it is baked goods or a hoodie, I want people to see what I did and tell me that it is the best thing that they've ever seen. Is that prideful? Is that awful? I have a hard time knowing what to think. I can't share my other talents with the world...most people don't see who I really am. They don't know that I love to sing but that I restrict myself to shower-time and driving-alone-time to have my solo performances. I get scared to put myself out there because I know so many people who are so much more talented than I and I don't want them to think I'm a doofus for not being as amazing as they are.

Did you know I love to dance? Yes, this not-so-skinny girl loves dancing, and once I make it to the other side, I'm going to dance like you wouldn't believe. My soul longs to dance even though my body can't take it.

Did you know that I love to tell stupid jokes? That I think I am absolutely hilarious? My boss thinks I'm funny too...but I don't know that anyone else sees it.

Did you know that I love to read? That one of my favorite things to do is to listen to the rain, curl up with a blankie and a good book and just read for hours?

Did you know that I sometimes wish that I could just be me?

In!

My papers are in. I'm officially going to be a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Do you even know how EXCITED I am!?!?!?!?!?!

Sunshine and Sleep

I learned a very important lesson yesterday. Okay, a couple of very important lessons.

1. Zupas is the best place to eat lunch and catch up with friends. Period. Especially when you eat lunch outside in the sunshine so you can yell slightly inappropriate words and no one will look at you like you're a weirdy...

2. Eating lunch while sitting in the sun = AMAZING!

3. Eating lunch with an Amazing friend = The best thing I could have done.

4. Taking a shower washes all your troubles away.

5. getting a good night's sleep = life changing.


Seriously, the difference in my emotional state from yesterday to today is night and day. I'm ten million times happier. I don't feel like I'm on the verge of tears brought on by sheer exhaustion. I can face the world. I look super cute because I wanted to. AND...drumroll please...I'm not yawning every ten seconds. It's fantastic.

Also, it helps that my dad gave me some cookies and cream ice cream last night. Thanks dad!

Don't worry, I'm just crazy. No biggie.

Sometimes I wish that when it rained, I could just go outside, stand in the rain and cry. Then no one would know I had been crying, and I could get all of my psycho emotions out while no one is watching. Instead, my tears decide to wait and come at weird moments like at 8:15 this morning. I'm not sleeping well. Maybe not even at all, I don't know. What I do know is that when I don't sleep I get cranky. I cry over EVERYTHING. I'm not joking about this one. I am a psychopath when I don't sleep.

Today my alarm went off at 4:30 in the morning. Only, my clock said that it was five thirty so I kept snoozing it telling my self that I would get up in a little bit to get ready for work. Then I looked at my phone and realized that it was 4:30, and that when I set my alarm last night I must have bumped the hour on the clock and not realized it. I couldn't fall back alseep for ages. Then I did and didn't get up early enough to shower. So today I am a disgusting mess. I'm overly emotional. I want to find a large piece of cheesecake and drown my sorrows in it. And really, my sorrows aren't that big. I'm lonely sometimes. Big deal. I miss one of my closest friends who I may not see for another two years unless by some miracle my mission departure date is after he gets home from his. I wanted it to rain harder than it did last night so I could play in the rain longer. I wanted to watch more lightning. Stupid things, right? Little things that shouldn't cause such a breakdown. The rational part of me knows that. But I am currently living in sixteen-year-old land where EVERYTHING is something to obsess over.

One of these days I'll get a nap and the world will be right again. That, or I'll explode.

Either way, I want this psycho-ness to end. I love being silly and giggling on the couch with my mom. I love pulling practical jokes, teaching my sisters the important things in life like how to pants each other and how to give great wet-willies. I love pretending like I'm the world's best singer or the world's best dancer and just letting it all out. I love talking about spiritual things, or giving the home evening lesson and having my six year old sister say that she felt the spirit. I love stretching when I first wake up in the morning and feeling like the world is all fresh and ready to start the day like I am. Hopefully tomorrow I can feel all of those things again and none of the icky sad things I'm feeling today.

Summer Rain

It rained yesterday. Not just any rain...summer rain.

Summer rain is my favorite. It's the kind of rain you can play in...run around in and jump in puddles. Yes, I'm 21. Yes, I still play in the rain. I love the smell of summer rain. It is just fantastic. I also love driving in the rain in summertime. Weird, right? I roll my window down just a bit so I can get rain on my left arm, and I enjoy watching raindrops as they hit my windshield. It's my favorite. :)

Papers

My papers have made their visit to the Bishop. On August 4 they will go visit the Stake President, then make their way to Salt Lake to see whomever checks them out up there. My papers are really getting around! ;) Hopefully I'll know where I'm going and when by the end of August. :) I'm just a little excited.

A good stretch

I love a good stretch. Not like stretching before dancing, which also feels fantastic, but when your body is totally relaxed because you're so tired. I love to stretch my arms as far as they will go when I first wake up. Or when I'm sitting at work and am still in wake up mode. There is something about stretching that makes me feel alive. So, try it. Just stretch out everything. Seriously, you can't help but feel better after that.

Laughing

Have you ever laughed so hard your abs hurt, you cried, you couldn't breathe and you just couldn't stop laughing? I love those moments. They can change your day from bad to good in an instant. When there are two of you laughing that hard, it is impossible to stop the giggles. Funny things just seem to keep happening. And then, for the rest of the day, you can't be serious. Those are my favorite kinds of days.