Sometimes I wish that when it rained, I could just go outside, stand in the rain and cry. Then no one would know I had been crying, and I could get all of my psycho emotions out while no one is watching. Instead, my tears decide to wait and come at weird moments like at 8:15 this morning. I'm not sleeping well. Maybe not even at all, I don't know. What I do know is that when I don't sleep I get cranky. I cry over EVERYTHING. I'm not joking about this one. I am a psychopath when I don't sleep.
Today my alarm went off at 4:30 in the morning. Only, my clock said that it was five thirty so I kept snoozing it telling my self that I would get up in a little bit to get ready for work. Then I looked at my phone and realized that it was 4:30, and that when I set my alarm last night I must have bumped the hour on the clock and not realized it. I couldn't fall back alseep for ages. Then I did and didn't get up early enough to shower. So today I am a disgusting mess. I'm overly emotional. I want to find a large piece of cheesecake and drown my sorrows in it. And really, my sorrows aren't that big. I'm lonely sometimes. Big deal. I miss one of my closest friends who I may not see for another two years unless by some miracle my mission departure date is after he gets home from his. I wanted it to rain harder than it did last night so I could play in the rain longer. I wanted to watch more lightning. Stupid things, right? Little things that shouldn't cause such a breakdown. The rational part of me knows that. But I am currently living in sixteen-year-old land where EVERYTHING is something to obsess over.
One of these days I'll get a nap and the world will be right again. That, or I'll explode.
Either way, I want this psycho-ness to end. I love being silly and giggling on the couch with my mom. I love pulling practical jokes, teaching my sisters the important things in life like how to pants each other and how to give great wet-willies. I love pretending like I'm the world's best singer or the world's best dancer and just letting it all out. I love talking about spiritual things, or giving the home evening lesson and having my six year old sister say that she felt the spirit. I love stretching when I first wake up in the morning and feeling like the world is all fresh and ready to start the day like I am. Hopefully tomorrow I can feel all of those things again and none of the icky sad things I'm feeling today.
It's good to have the icky feelings sometimes though, and to recognize that even though logically you should be able to just "get over it," you sometimes can't just snap out of it. It's annoying, but it's okay. It's to teach us something.
ReplyDeleteAlso, can I just say that I love that you are so much fun? Seriously, you know how to be silly and do dumb stuff and I love that you can do that and still be so spiritual. I need to learn from you :)
I'm glad you like my sillies. Sometimes I think I am just annoying...
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